Saleem Mubarak
Where every corner store comes with a 10% chance of becoming a luxury condo.
Wearing splendid dresses and expensive perfumes, the New York City real estate investors group was discussing setting up a community in the space.
This was not a space for a computer keyboard. They were talking about Mars, apparently to “mar” the performance of big tech companies in the US.
These investors are no doubt the brave souls who think parking meters are just “undeveloped land with tremendous potential.”
You know their style: coffee in the right hand, a lease agreement in the left, and a wild cartoon-like shine in their eyes, saying, “Yes, I am able to turn a studio apartment smaller than my cat’s litter box into a goldmine.”
How NYC Real Estate Investors View ‘Undeveloped Land’
Their gatherings are, of course, fancy. They don’t like meeting at the local diner, where regular folks “sip and dip” cheap coffee and argue over bagel recipes.
No, these real estate investor group meetings are held in lustrous offices with walls that cost more than my entire apartment.
Instead of challenging any fellow, they nodded at each other knowingly while discussing phrases like “market liquidity” and “zoning variances.”
We were not aware of their ‘luxurious technical’ knowledge, so the rest of us also nodded politely, pretending to be smart and understanding. Half the time, I can swear they don’t even know what it is they are bragging about to one another.
Networking Dinners: A Sneak Peek into NYC Real Estate Investors’ World
Their conversations are fascinating and entertaining. Without looking left or right, one guy brags that he can flip a townhouse faster than a New York minute.
Another laments the tragedy of a rent-stabilized tenant. There’s always that one person with a PowerPoint about gentrification in the neighborhood, which basically means, ‘I’m about to start charging twice what your grandparents paid.’
And everyone just claps politely because no one really wants to say they have no clue how anyone even makes money in Manhattan these days.
Optimism is a secret weapon for every NYC real estate investor. With some friends by my side, I watched one investor, clearly frustrated, stare at a crumbling brownstone on 3rd Avenue and mutter, “Any intelligent person like me, with perfect vision, could convert this into a three-bedroom penthouse.”
You have to understand what ‘vision’ means in this case, which seemed to involve ignoring the plumbing and pretending the rich rats were “future tenants.”
Real Estate Investors’ Secret Lingo: From ROI to Gentrification
You have to remember the importance of networking dinners. At such events one has to pay $125 for a salad and pretend they are ‘efficiently’ making “strategic connections.”
Someone always says without giving it a second thought, “Location is everything,” which is true, unless your location is directly above a laundromat that plays Celine Dion at full blast every Saturday. Then location is everything you’ll regret.
It’s also a world full of abbreviations. ROI, NOI, CAP, GIM… At first, I thought we were talking about real estate, but it felt more like I was being inducted into some secret club. I almost expected someone to give me a secret ring and tell me not to talk about the new condo on 7th Street.
Is Your Favorite Bodega Next? The Power of Investors
Somehow, these investors keep the city going, no matter what. They buy, sell, and fix up buildings like a Broadway actor who just learned improv.
And the rest of us? We watch with a mix of amazement and fear, hoping they don’t decide to turn our favorite corner store into something else.
So, if you ever run into a group of NYC real estate investors, smile and nod right away, then quickly head for safer places. Your presence might ruin their plans of turning dreams into square footage.
And remember, in a city where every building has ‘tremendous and logical potential,’ the only thing more valuable than a penthouse is the ability of people to explain in one breath what you just bought — without laughing.
It’s a ‘well-kept secret’ that in New York real estate, hope is free — but apartments cost an arm, a leg, and a small inheritance.
Author Profile
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The writer is a real estate journalist specializing in all types of New York City properties, including luxury residences, commercial spaces, and homes.
He also writes humorous articles about real estate, investors, and realtors.
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