By Saleem Mubarak
When the butcher starts talking about condos, you know things have gone too far.
It all began innocently enough. A man was walking down Main Street in CNY, not noticing anything unusual around him, when he suddenly noticed a new sign above the local sharpening shop: “Now Offering Real Estate Advice!”
This surprising trend of local businesses real estate ventures seemed both baffling and oddly charming.
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At first, he tried to convince himself that it was a typo. Perhaps the words meant, “We sharpen knives and your interest in real estate.” But no, the owner, Mr. Jenkins insisted he could sell a house faster than he could sharpen a filet knife.
The logic, apparently, is simple: if you are able to make a dull blade gleam with effort, surely you can make a boring property sparkle.
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The man dared to ask Mr. Jenkins if he had a license. Jenkins laughed. “License? What are you talking about? You must be new in town. I sharpen knives quickly without a license and real estate is just another cutting-edge business.
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Next, the same man visited the corner dry cleaner who was now offering home staging services. Mr. Patel, the owner, proudly claimed that folding shirts and fluffing pillows was basically the same skill set as arranging furniture for prospective buyers.
He summed it up simply: “It’s all about presentation rather than skill.”
Then came the café, where the barista was not hesitant in proudly announcing that he now gave mortgage advice. The man asked what qualified him for this “service.”
Instead of replying directly, the barista just shrugged and threw a question back: “I know how to froth milk and calculate compound interest. What’s the difference?”
The man remained tight-lipped and immediately “escaped.”
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After encountering these persons, the man began to notice a clear pattern: in CNY, everyone has their own plan to slice into real estate. The landscaper, instead of focusing on his domain, was now offering curb appeal consultations.
The locksmith had moved on to giving security briefings aligned with artificial intelligence for new homeowners. The man reported that he even saw a sign on a nail salon: “Manicures and Housing Market Analysis.”
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This is a blessing from the New York real estate agents who are training the citizens without charging even a penny–although they charge for even whispering.
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Maybe, you could consider it a universal logic: if one can handle customers’ complaints, he or she can also handle even millions of dollars in closing costs. If you can easily manage a stubborn stain, you can manage a seller who is refusing to accept that a tiny room isn’t “comfortable and spacious.”
You can surely negotiate a fair price without losing your shirt if you can sharpen a knife without cutting your own fingers off.
The man was not entirely convinced because last week, Mr. Jenkins called him about a “perfect investment opportunity.” The man asked him if it came with a warranty. Jenkins said, “No, but I can sharpen your pitchfork for free.”
But, you have to admit, there’s a certain charm to it.
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In New York, where the housing market can slice your savings quickly like a cheap deli knife, it feels nice to know that at least someone in this busy locality is trying to help with the tough housing market, even if their usual job was cutting plants or making coffee.
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In the end, the man suggests that if you see a butcher, barista, or dry cleaner handing out flyers about condos, don’t be alarmed after this entire saga. Just smile, nod, and remember—before immediately leaving the place—that in New York, everyone is a little bit of a real estate agent. This is thanks to real estate professionals who are putting everything on sale or rent.
Maybe, just maybe, it’s worth a shot if they can sharpen your knife while selling your house, even against your will.
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After all, we have to accept that in this town, the only thing you’ll find sharper than a knife is the sense of irony.
Author Profile
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The writer is a real estate journalist specializing in all types of New York City properties, including luxury residences, commercial spaces, and homes.
He also writes humorous articles about real estate, investors, and realtors.
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