10 Funny Realtor Phrases That Buyers Should Know

By Saleem Mubarak

New York real estate agents are gifted with a special language—a language that has the magical ability to make even the most confident buyers second-guess their grasp on reality.

You’d think after watching a few HGTV shows, you’d be prepared, but nothing can truly prepare you for the linguistic labyrinth that is “realtor speak.”

Here are ten realtor phrases that, every single time, make buyers do a double take and ask, “Wait, what?”

Funny Realtor Phrases That Hide the Truth

“Potential”
This word is able to hide a multitude of sins like a home with “potential” is the realtor’s way of telling you that the place can be a treasure trove for you after fixing some of its ‘disaster.’

A potential word will keep haunting you that with a little work, you could turn it into something carrying gold bars underneath.

Maybe livable? Or at least something that won’t collapse in snow falling or at least when the wind blows.

“Open Concept”
This is code for “We tore down the walls because who needs privacy or structural integrity when you can have one giant room for all your awkward conversations?”

“Quaint”
A charming way to say, “This place is so old, you might find relics from the past, including a permanent smell of mothballs.”

When the floors creak louder than your grandma’s old rocking chair and your wallpaper is holding on for dear life, you will abruptly understand the meaning of quaint.

When “Motivated Seller” and “Cozy” Mean Trouble

“Motivated Seller”
When you find a person who will pass on the keys of his house and rush in the opposite direction, then you have to understand that the “fugitive” was a motivated seller.

I think you are fully aware of the motivated seller now and their approaches because they’ll “offer a steep discount” just to avoid an agents’ presence to keep them safe from their “polite clutches.”y,

“Cozy”
Using the word “Cozy”, a real estate agent silently tries to make up your mind to start sleeping under the sink in a 200-square-foot apartment “cozy,” it’s like they’re preparing you to.

It’s their way of saying, “Don’t mind the lack of space, just embrace the warmth of suffocation.”

Real Estate Jargon That Tricks Buyers Every Time

“Fixer-Upper”
This is realtor-speak for “This house is a full-time job and you’re about to lose your weekends to plumbing, wiring, and maybe, just maybe, an exorcism.”

You’ll need a toolbox, a miracle, and a substantial bank loan.

“Turnkey”
The term “turnkey” is enough to ‘turn your mind’ only because of the ‘magnificent’ narration by the agent. The New York real estate agent will politely say that everything is ready; you just need to walk in, put your stuff down, and start living without any adjustments.

However, after arriving at the house, you will learn the true translation of ‘turnkey.’

It will tell you that everything is superfine, but you should just pray nothing falls apart. You should avoid looking too closely at any part of the house and just keep the keys ‘turning’ on your finger whenever you find a suitable time.

“Character”
A house with “character” is often one that’s seen better days. Lots of “character” might mean the plumbing system is a series of pipes from the 1920s, and the electrical system thinks it’s still living in the 1800s. But hey, it’s got “character!”

Sought-After Neighborhoods and High-Ceiling Headaches

“Sought-After Neighborhood”
If you find a cheap cup of coffee along with gossiping laughter, you will understand that it is a Sought-After Neighborhood–full of interesting people living their lives following “ChatGPT prompts.”

I think you are fully aware now that you know the exact meanings the agents hide behind the words of “sought-after-neighborhood.”

Keep interacting with the local diner that will serve you more than a cup of coffee. Unpredictable neighbors and the occasional siren will keep this neighborhood highly sought after, especially if you like living in such places.

“Fixer-Upper with High Ceilings”
Oh, this one’s good. If realtors describe a place as having “high ceilings,” what they mean is, “You’ll have ample space to think about all the work that needs to be done immediately while standing in the empty, echoing shell of a room.”

Everyone knows that buying a house is like shopping for a used car—it just doesn’t come with a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Just to mint money, the unprofessional and profit-hungry agents will tell you that the house you’re looking at has “good bones” or is “full of (loose) character.”

Remember, the agent is going to sell you probably the world’s worst DIY project, but hey, at least you’ll have “potential” to make it on par with international standards of living.

“In the end, buying a house after an exchange of “flowery and slippery words” with ‘professional agents’ isn’t about the fancy phrases—it’s your litmus test of how much you can tolerate before striving to get a second mortgage just to fix the plumbing for slumming.

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Saleem Mubarak: The writer is a real estate journalist specializing in all types of New York City properties, including luxury residences, commercial spaces, and homes.

He also writes humorous articles about real estate, investors, and realtors.